Getting pregnant seems as certain as the sun rising or the seasons changing — until it doesn’t happen as you planned. I have struggled to be open and share our story of trying.  When I think back to those first few months of “trying” I can’t help but laugh thinking about all the methods we attempted without success: apps, ovulation strips, prenatal vitamins, fertility-friendly lube (that was interesting), legs up, head stands, elevating the hips after, every day, every other day, multiple times a day, etc. We really tried it all. 

It’s now been almost 2 years of us trying. We waited until we officially hit that “one year” mark of trying to speak with doctors as that is how they define infertility: the inability to conceive after a year or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth. Prior to speaking with doctors, I felt that if we told people we were worried they would respond with “you’re young…” or “you have time don’t worry…” or lastly, “it’ll happen.” And that’s exactly what happened whenever I mentioned that we were trying for kids.  I also had a fear that people may see this as us seeking pity. And if you know me, that is the last thing that I want. I’m not alone in this trial nor in these feelings. Infertility is a painful reality that 1 in 8 couples (or about 12 percent of married women) experience, according to the CDC.  Infertility affects women of all ages, and it’s not talked about enough. Therefore, I wanted to open up about our struggles to conceive without medical intervention since there is such a stigma around discussing it.

When Bryan and I first started trying, the first month without conception was disappointing, but not panic-inducing as I knew we were just starting down the TTC journey. Month after month, I constantly told myself and Bryan that “it’s okay, there’s always next month…” As 12 months passed with no double lines or plus signs, the lightheartedness faded.  Through the journey, I often wondered “why me?” or “why is it this hard to get pregnant?”  I felt disappointed in myself and I was trying to figure out what we were doing wrong. We had tried everything. So in result, we decided to take the next steps to go to my OBGYN and begin tests to get some answers.  As you read this and if you did or do struggle with infertility, know that there are many women that are going through this and you don’t have to go through it alone. 

On 7/30/21, I had my first OB appointment since being married.  I remember sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women with their husbands all “expecting” in different stages of their pregnancy wishing I could be one of them. I shared with the OB that we had been trying for a while and the OB asked me to do blood tests, a HSG test, and a semen analysis for Bryan. After all the results were gathered, we scheduled a follow up appointment to create the best plan for success moving forward.

In the meantime, my blood test came back normal and stated I had healthy eggs for my age. Yay, I considered that a win!  I then had to schedule my hysterosalpingography (HSG) test which had to be performed between my 8-10th day during my cycle to ensure I was not pregnant. I completed my test on 9/7/21. It definitely was uncomfortable but bearable. I took many deep breaths while the doctor placed a catheter so the contrast/dye can be inserted for imaging. Once it was in, I felt some cramping, but again, bearable. As the doctor was capturing the moments during the test, I kept hearing him say “picture…picture…picture” every few seconds. I immediately got a gut feeling that the results were not going to be great if they were taking so many pictures.  The 38.2 seconds it took to take the pictures felt like forever. Afterwards, I was told that my uterus was not normal. I only have one fallopian tube/ovary. Needless to say, I was shocked by the news.  I kept my composure until I had to change in the bathroom and then I burst into tears. I immediately had so many questions. When I returned to the exam room, I started to ask some of my questions, but I was basically told to wait until I could meet with my specialist to go over more of the results and options. You know how difficult it was to wait and ponder all my questions? I was still trying to process what I had just been told and I had so many feelings that rushed through my head. I felt that I had not only failed myself, but Bryan too. I felt shame. I did not want to call Bryan and tell him the news. I was starting to doubt God’s plan for us to start a family. I got to my car and just cried. I felt hopeless. And then I did what everyone says not to do (including myself when I’m advising parents/patients at the hospital)…GOOGLE. Would I ever be able to get pregnant? Can I carry a child? Can I safely carry a pregnancy? etc. I had so many questions and I immediately started a note in my phone. 

After getting the courage to call Bryan, he came home from work and comforted me and let me cry. He was so supportive and such an amazing partner. I have appreciated him more than I can express. He reassured me that our time would come, we would get pregnant, that I would be a great mom, and that this would never change the love he has for me (other than to make his love for me grow).

Everyone says “God has a plan for you” and I don’t doubt that. I fully believe he does, but I began to think, if God has a plan, at what point am I trying to take too much control instead of trusting that plan? If we can’t conceive naturally and we go down the avenues of IUI or IVF, how do we find a balance of trusting God vs. taking it into our own hands and have science help us? 

On 9/8/21, I got a call from my OB to schedule my follow up appointment. Originally, the soonest available appointment was not until 10/14/21. I was so saddened by this news because I would have had to wait over a month! If you know me, I can be pretty impatient (haha). Later that day, I got a call saying they had an appointment sooner on 9/21/21, so I took it. 

I am fortunate enough to work with a variety of medical professionals, so I decided to try and speak with one. I reached out to a urologist surgeon that I knew, thinking that he might have some answers since he works closely with reproductive organs. I was immediately reassured that it is possible for me to get pregnant, but it would be very difficult to conceive naturally without intervention and difficult to carry full term. This physician was willing to reach out to a close friend of his who happened to be a fertility specialist. That friend was gracious enough to make time for a phone call with Bryan and me. For the first time, we felt prioritized and that someone cared about our situation. During this time, we were struggling to get in and see doctors for Bryan as he was Kaiser insurance and let’s just say they suck unless the care you need is for preventative care.

We eventually got Bryan in to the San Diego Fertility Center to complete a semen analysis. He too, did not get the news that we were expecting. I then immediately knew I had to be the stronger person for him now. We both were being stronger for each other.

We have been fortunate enough to have people that we can talk to about what we are going through. I have friends and family who pray with me and Bryan, and most importantly, we have people that remind me of God’s faithfulness and who He is and how much He loves me and Bryan.

Whatever the future holds for our family, I trust that God is a good good Father. 

More to come soon <3